This is largely a repost of some smart-ass definition for financial jargon. Had to do it for the benefit of newer readers of the blog. Some of them were copied
EBITDA
Earnings Before I Tricked the Dumb Auditor
EBIT
Earnings Before Irregularities and Tempering
Brainstorming
Same as blame-storming, trying to attribute blame for mistakes
Management Consultant
Someone who tells you how to improve your business, something he/she cannot do or has never been able to do themselves
Top-Down Investing
People with a bit of economics knowledge but scared shitless about accounting
Bottom-Up Investing
People who knows a bit about accounting but hates fiction
Unusual Market Activity
Something the management and directors always know NOTHING about
Averaging Down Investing
When you totally ignore the fact that you were wrong in the first instance
Doubling Up Investing
Making doubly sure that you are more than fully-invested when the stock eventually tanks
Multi-tasking
Doing more than one useless activity at the same time, better known as multi-slacking
CEO
Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO
Chief Fraud Officer
LIFO & FIFO
An investment bank hiring/firing policy
Second Board
What Second Board???
CV
The art of pushing optimism and white lies to the max
Margin Account
Shorter rope, tighter noose
Paradigm Shift
Your job in the financial markets is in jeopardy
Hedge Funds
"Institutionalised" margin accounts
Drill-down / Granularity
Words managers learn to use to enslave their subordinates
NAV
Normal Andersen Valuation
NPAT
Never Pay Any Tax
EPS
Eventual Prison Sentence
Don't Reinvent The Wheel
A person who does not know how the wheel was invented in the first place
Net Net
When you have a manager doing a presentation trying to bastardise the English language
Federal Reserve Board
Bank of Japan on Prozac
Thinking Outside The Box
You just want to leave the meeting room and chill because no one has been able to offer any constructive ideas
Equity Research
As useful as a used condom
Equity Analysts
Hopes no one discovers how average they are
Fund Managers
Sponges off the brains of analysts and strategists and call it their own
Chartists & Rocket Scientists With Trading Programs
People who have given up trying to understand the stock markets
Short Term Investor
Someone who is in-and-out within 3 days or less
Long Term Investor
A short term investor who cannot get out profitably after 3 days
Bull Market
A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius
Bear Market
A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewellery, and the husband gets no sex
Off Balance Sheet Items
More important than items in the balance sheet, and represent things that really should be in the balance sheet
Service Level Agreement
It means there will be no service follow up, we are just covering our ass here
Unemployment Office
A placement office for humanities graduates
Momentum Investing
The fine art of buying high and selling low with the crowd
Value Investing
The fine art of buying low and selling lower
Core Competencies
Phrase you use when you have no idea what a company's or a person's strengths and weaknesses are
P/E ratio
The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the Market keeps crashing
Big Picture
You are just imagining the same meeting with the same people on a movie screen
Stock Broker
Poorer than you were last year
Remisier
Someone who should have kept their previous job
Investor Protection
Padded walls in broking halls
Market Correction
The day after you buy stocks
Cash Flow
The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet
Institutional Investor
Past year investor who is now locked up in a nuthouse
Two Week Holidays
Taken by employees who are oblivious to whether their jobs will still be there by the time they return
Economist
Someone who tells you why their predictions went wrong after every quarter, and proceeds to give a confident prediction for the next 3 quarters
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